its been 14 years. 10 since it became official. and ever since then, my life has been progressively moving towards what is called "a living hell". it would seem that as time goes by, the depth of that intense emnity grows.

in a sick twist of fate, i was forced to acknowledge you as part of my life. but only because of her. she is happy with you. you are there for her. and most probably will be even til old age. and for that, i put up with it. the unreasonableness. the unfair treatment. the cold treatment. you are there watching me, jus like how a vulture circles its target, waiting for it to slip up before making its move, occasionally diving towards it in the hopes that it would collapse.

in the past few years, what little respect i had for you has diminished--no--disappeared. you are someone not worth the respect due a father. a stepfather to be precise. many would say that an elder is an elder no matter what and has to be respected irregardless. and that kind of sad, pathetic "respect" is what keeps me from blowing up at you.

i have always taken whatever it was you threw at me. from turning off the main power so as to prevent me from staying up late even if it was for work to taping up the heater to the lowest setting so as to prevent me turning up the heat to threatening to do me harm. i took it all.

you dont allow me to take too long to bathe, on the grounds that i am wasting water. fine. you dont allow me to stay up late on the grounds that i am wasting electricity and that whatever work or reading i want to do can be done in the day. fine. you stop me from eating the food that you bought, be it instant noodles to bananas. fine. you proclaim out loud that i am useless around the house and such. fine. you refuse to take pictures that have me in it. thats stupid. you get angry when i call my mother to buy things like milk and bananas before coming home. thats... ... okay... ...

but what i cant stand the most is how im being watched like a criminal. every thing i do at home. my movements. even if it is to the kitchen to get a cup of water. you will come and poke your nose into it. and dont even try to deny this weird behaviour of yours. i have a short video of your freaky behaviour.

the baseline is, i have lost all respect for you whatsoever(except that pathetic bit of it that i mentioned earlier). you just dont deserve it.

i feel sorry for you for leading such a pathetic existence.










and the world spits on me again

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THE DARKER SIDE OF ME;
-7:45 PM-

it all started on the 21st november 2006.

that graceful silhouette in the red racerback. 'HOT!' was the thought that immediately came to mind.

now, 4 months later, its just a dream come true. i love u baby. :)

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THE DARKER SIDE OF ME;
-11:48 PM-

people(girls) always like to ask, "why do you love me?"

guys are usually stumped by this question. the most common of answers would be "i love you because i love you. there's no special reason." or "i love you because your smile makes my day, your eyes make me forget all my troubles, and your touch soothes all my pain."

my answer?

i love you because fate brought us together. we were destined for each other and the whole universe conspired to let us meet, to fall in love and to enrich each other's lifes. everything that has occured in our lifes, the decisions we made, the paths we took, were all engineered to deliver us to one another. and for that, i love you.








and the world spits on me again

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THE DARKER SIDE OF ME;
-9:36 PM-

to know or not to know. that is the question. too often, our curiousity makes us ask questions about anything and everything. we want to satisfy that curiousity. we hate to be kept in the dark. we want to know everything there is to know about the people around us. especially our loved ones. but where do we draw the line between knowing just enough and too much?

not everything is a must-know. some things are better left unsaid and we know that. but we ask anyway, thinking that we can deal with the answers. but can we really? does it not hurt to know some things? the pain of reality. the sourness of truth. it just leaves that bitter aftertaste in one's mouth.

dont be in too big a hurry to seek the answers. some stones are really better left unturned. be sure you can handle the magnitude of the possible answers before dropping the stone into the pond. or the waves that come after might be too overwhelming for you.

im sorry i asked.









and the world spits on me again

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THE DARKER SIDE OF ME;
-1:19 AM-

pain. the sensation of distress we all get when we meet with a problem that causes us a certain amount of damage. its uncomfortable. we all dont like to feel pain. but would you rather not? not a good idea.

pain is the feedback response that your body gives you when something hurts. without it, you would just go on hurting yourself. without pain, you cant feel the searing heat of a kettle and just burn yourself. true, it would be painless but the damage is done nonetheless.

and it aint just physically. emotional pain is a good thing too. it lets you know that things arent right. something is causing distress. and then you can begin looking for the source of that pain and try to remedy it. with this pain, we are thus able to get what we want. to actually KNOW what we want. or rather, what we DO NOT want.

therefore. dont blame the pain. dont blame the source of the pain. just be glad that you felt it. and you now know what you do not want.

on the other side of the coin, the pain also allows you to feel how others would feel if the same were to be done to them. and knowing the unpleasant consequences of those actions, you can now better control how you behave to not inflict that pain on others. and as they say, what goes around comes around. so its all good.

cheerios.









and the world spits on me again

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THE DARKER SIDE OF ME;
-7:40 PM-

"She's got my McDreamy. And my McDog. She's got my McLife."

i love meredith grey. she's oh-so-cute.

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THE DARKER SIDE OF ME;
-2:28 PM-

amelia
audrey
brianna
cindy
clan
dixon
jezreel
lav
mad
rene
shiying
sokwai
xiufang
yeeling