restrained. lack of freedom. controlled. these are but a few of the many complaints that the average teenager would have against their parents. but the trend is to obey the elders and do as told, albeit with much reluctance and unhappiness. no matter how angry we are and how unfair we feel a certain situation is, instructions are usually obeyed. this phenomenon could probably be explained by the fact that we all look up to our parents to a certain extent.

always our pillar of strength, the first people we think of when we get into trouble, we idolise them and expect them to know what to do in practically every situation. no doubt they are senior and have gone through much more than what our limited lifes have offered us but it does not mean that they are impregnable. they have their weak moments too.

this afternoon in the hospice. my mum paid a visit to my dad, whose temper these days is rather unpredictable and volatile. my dad was being a tad unreasonable and i could see the sense of loss on my mum's face as she sat there listening to my aunt trying to talk to my dad. and as i looked into my mum's face, i could see the child in her. the feeling of helplessness when faced with a thing as dreadful as death, or even the prospect of it.

the look on her face reminded me of a photo i have of her when she was younger--around my age. she was a rather beautiful girl for those times and had that look of innocence in her eyes. and that was the very same feeling i got when i looked upon her face today. i had this overwhelming desire to just go up to her, give her a hug and tell her i loved her.

but i didnt.

we went to the car as she was to drop me off. she put on a song for me to listen to. Mama by Il Divo. i was stunned as the lyrics hit me like a sledgehammer.

Mama, thank you for who I am
Thank you for all the things I'm not
Forgive me for the words unsaid
For the times I forgot 

this first part alone was enough to get tears into my eyes. i know it isnt that touching when u read it like that but put it into context. there i was, struggling with myself to tell her that i loved her. and there she went and played this song. i sat in the car, trying extremely hard to contain my emotions as i wasnt in the habit of expressing myself to her. but as the song went on, my mum herself broke down as she thought of my late grandmother. and it was really at this point that i realised the fragility of her emotional side. i saw my mum as just another kid. a different generation no doubt but nevertheless still a kid at heart. a kid who needed just as much care and concern as all those years ago.

i love you mum.



P.S sorry if this post is rather weak but i am really really tired at this point of time.











and the world spits on me again

__________________________________
THE DARKER SIDE OF ME;
-11:25 PM-

amelia
audrey
brianna
cindy
clan
dixon
jezreel
lav
mad
rene
shiying
sokwai
xiufang
yeeling